Who are you fixing?

I’ve always been a ‘fixer’. I like to fix people’s problems. Someone feeling sad? I can take their pain away by feeling it. Someone I love making unhealthy decisions? I can fix it so they can be happier. Someone going down the wrong path? I can fix it and get them back on track. Can you relate? I come from a long line of fixers. Fixing others was so engrained in me that only in the past few years I’ve started to recognize this about myself and understand what’s behind my need to fix.

I am an Empath. An empath is highly sensitive to the needs and vibes of others. We feel what others are feeling. Because we feel what others are feeling we can become uncomfortable and want to ‘fix’. I always told myself it was to make them feel better. That was only part of the truth. What I now understand about myself is it was difficult for me to feel good if someone else didn’t. I needed them to be better before I gave myself permission to feel better. I didn’t like feeling uncomfortable so I got busy ‘fixing’. This took my mind off my discomfort and brought feelings of worthiness and importance. Until it didn’t. Are you with me still?

It is common for empaths to feel taken advantage of, help out of obligation or guilt, and become resentful and angry. This can lead to having a martyr mindset. A martyr is a person who sacrifices their own needs and wants in order to do things for others. I saw this mindset showing up when I recognized I was resenting ‘fixing’ all the time and putting myself last. I was feeling unappreciated and not recognized for the sacrifices I was making. Mostly sacrifices that no one asked me to make. I felt guilty if I couldn’t fix and fearful that saying no would upset someone or they wouldn’t like or love me.

One lesson I learned about being a fixer is that by trying to fix everyone’s problems, you leave no time or energy to create the life you desire. Taking on other’s pain is emotionally draining.  All your time is spent running from one fixing job to the next. Most of the time no one was asking to be fixed. 

Which leads to the second big lesson I learned. Trying to fix everyone’s problems you are not allowing the person you’re trying to fix to grow and learn from the experience. You’re getting in the way of them becoming the best version of themselves.

I am still an empath, I feel all the feels and I have embraced and accepted that we have much growth in our struggles.  Letting someone experience their own struggle in the way they choose is one of the most empowering things I can do for them and myself. I can be a listener, a shoulder to cry on, and a trusted guide. I’m for sure not saying this is easy, because it is at times one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I do know that allowing someone to fly in their own way is the best gift I can give them and myself.

When we change the world changes.

When we change the world changes.