Changes as I heal
The biggest change that has occurred since I’ve been healing, growing, learning to live from my heart is the way I feel.
The way I feel in my body. Most of the time I feel grounded and peaceful.
I used to feel like I was on hyper vigilance to control everything in my life.
Yes, recovering control freak here.
My body felt like I was running, constantly chasing, but getting nowhere. I felt like I was on a roller coaster that never stopped.
Ever felt like that?
Don’t you worry, on the outside I was cool, calm, and collected. Until something triggered me that is. Because I was in what I call, THE GREAT CHASE, it didn’t take a lot to trigger me. I was holding a lot of emotion inside that was waiting to be felt. Thing is, I didn’t know to feel each emotion for what it was and look deeper for the wisdom it offered. My emotions came out in one lump of anger or frustration, or resentment. I didn’t allow myself to feel the sadness of being disappointed, it all came out in anger. That kept me in a cycle of offloading, then feeling guilt and shame, then trying to make it up by being the ‘nice’ girl because I felt bad.
I was chasing approval, acceptance, love, success, purpose, belonging, and meaningful relationships. Really, all those things on any given day, all day long. The chase was exhausting. I just wanted to be happy.
I have memories of starting that chase when I was about four years old. Everything in my life revolved around the acceptance I felt. I remember looking into people’s eyes longingly for a glimpse of approval for what I did or said. When I didn’t feel it, I tried harder to manipulate their response, which was really my perceived response. I couldn’t possibly know what they were thinking, but I was a master storyteller. I could spin a story and make excuses fast. And I believed them.
I wonder how many others are chasing.
How do you feel inside most of the time?
Pay attention to that.
For the next few weeks, we’ll be talking about making yourself a priority. Paying attention to how you feel instead of worrying about how others perceive you can change your life.
It changed mine.