A frightened little girl has been running my life

I wanted to share this piece with you. It is likely the first part of my next book.

Inner child work fascinates me and has been showing up a lot in me and around me for the past few years. I have experienced breakthroughs in my life in the way I feel inside and how I relate to others and circumstances in my outer world.

We make decisions when we are children and subconsciously hold on to them into our adult life. These decisions were made from very limited life experiences and knowledge and often based more on what we told ourselves about what happened than what really happened. They were made to make us feel safe and in control when we felt our world wasn’t safe.

As we begin to become more aware of the times in which our wounded child lashes out and takes over our thoughts and actions, we can learn to love them and set them free.

If this interests you, stay tuned in 2023! I am creating a program with meditation and journaling about healing your inner child.

For most of my life a frightened little girl inside has been affecting my life, shaping my experiences.

Through the years there were long periods of time when she was quiet, then she would surface when I least expected her.

I knew it was her when I felt alone, unloved, fearful, or like a victim. Then I would act on those feelings and lash out with hurtful remarks or behaviors that caused my adult me to be ashamed.

This little girl didn’t get what she needed when she was young. She didn’t feel safe to be herself, express herself, or share who she was and what she had to offer this world. This caused her deep frustration and resentment.

So, she stayed hidden deep inside waiting to be seen and understood; freed.

This little girl doesn’t remember ever being held, comforted, and loved; told that everything would be alright.

So, she made up stories in her head about her safety and being unworthy of love.

This little girl chased her value in the opinions and comments of others. To the people who mattered to her and to strangers, it didn’t really matter.

So, she spent her life looking outside herself for her value.

This little girl was manipulative because she was manipulated. Controlling others and situations felt more in alignment with her fear. It’s all she knew.

So, she spent her life without the love and connection she desired more than anything else.

I’ve lived with a deep pain inside me, pain that surfaces when I am afraid. Afraid that someone won’t like or accept me, mostly that I wasn’t enough. I would tell myself that what they thought didn’t matter and that I was making too much of the situation; I was too sensitive. I need to toughen up. But that didn’t take the pain away, it just pushed it down deeper. There was a part of me that didn’t believe that just because I had lived my life in pain that it was the only way to live.

That voice got louder and louder until one day I demanded the truth.

My older, wiser Self came forward and assured me that being sensitive was my greatest strength, my most precious gift. My sensitivity is what I’d been hiding. Holding gifts inside and not expressing them causes pain.

My sensitivity is what allows me to be a compassionate, empathetic person.

My sensitivity is what allows me love humanity and strive to make the world a better place.

My sensitivity is what allows me to see other’s pain behind their smile and ‘I’m fine’.

Mostly my sensitivity allows my little girl to have a voice and to be loved; to set her free.

One day my wise self said, “You are the one you’ve been waiting for. You are the one that can accept you, love you, value you, and care for you. When you do that, the love, freedom, value, and care will be reflected in the people and situations in your life. I will take over from here, I have gained much wisdom through your pain, I have a deeper understanding of myself.”

It’s ironic that our whole life we look for our purpose in what we do, and the truth is: our purpose is remembering who we are so that we may share our Divine expression freely.

She had waited a long time for someone to free her, value her, love her, accept her, and care for her. To give her permission to be a little girl and stop worrying about life and pleasing everyone.

I have been resisting letting my little girl rest; setting her free to be the little girl she never got to be.

Who would I be if she didn’t lead the way?

What if I didn’t know enough?

What if people didn’t like who I was or what I had to say?

What if I was wrong and I didn’t have what I needed to live from my mother energy, my wise sage self?

How can I be 60 years old and not trusting and living from my sage self?

What if…

I am the one I’ve been waiting for to give me the permission to BE ME?

Vulnerable, unapologetic, brightly shining ME.

I am the only one that can.

I get to CHOOSE.

I didn’t know I could choose, but now I do.

By choosing to live from the wisdom I’ve gained from my little girl’s pain and joy, I honor her.

I am Free.

The answers are inside me.

My connection with Spirit guides me through my life, it leads the way.

I choose ME.

My little girl had a hard time trusting at first. Slowly, she began to let the wise woman part of her take over and handle things she isn’t equipped to handle.

We realize that we are a team, and both have important roles in navigating this life. My little girl reminds me to have fun, be playful, innocent, curious, and free. My wise Self reminds me to trust in the process, that love is the answer, and that all we need is within us.

Being vulnerable by letting my sensitivity be in the forefront of my life instead of hidden deep inside has allowed me to release pain that was a part of me. That part has been replaced with acceptance, love, and empathy. I am remembering who I am.        

I AM ENOUGH.

When we change the world changes.