Choosing Me

As I remember how my life was before my divorce I can still feel the upset in my body. It was so the normal that I didn’t know it was there until it was gone. It was the strangest thing: the day I packed up and left a 28-year marriage it was like a light came on in a very dark room.  I wasn’t aware of what was happening, I just knew I felt different. I wondered how I could feel good while going through this time of uncertainty and change. I was finding peace in the chaos because for the first time in my life, I chose me.

Choosing myself was a very foreign concept. I was taught to always put other’s needs first and never disappoint them. It was ingrained in the deepest part of me, and I didn’t know any different.  I felt the need to take care of the people close to me even if that meant denying what I wanted. That often spilled over onto clients and even at times on anyone I thought might need me. All the while in my head this critical voice was getting louder and louder. It would say, ‘why can’t you do more? If you do more they will love you. If you try harder you can change them. You can make their life better. If you make excuses for them they will eventually turn things around. As soon as they do what I need them to do I can be happy.’

I was doing what I knew to do. I was experiencing what I thought I deserved. I didn’t remember my value. It was lost long ago, given away little by little: just trying to be enough, just trying to fit in and be what I thought I should be and do what I thought I should do.  I didn’t know I was enough and worthy of having the life I wanted.  It seemed so selfish to put my desires first. What would everyone think? What would they say to me and behind my back? How could I disappoint them?

I made it through with the help of family and some really great friends who saw my value even when I didn’t. I began to heal and know that we all have our own journey. We all have things to experience and heal from. We all deserve the life we dream of. Everyone is not dreaming of the life you’re dreaming of and that’s okay. Everyone is not going where you’re going and that’s okay.

True, lasting happiness comes from knowing we are enough and we don’t have to prove that by putting others first. It comes from knowing we are just as worthy of love and belonging as everyone else. It comes from knowing that by denying ourselves we are not helping anyone else. I find that by putting myself first I am happier and have more to give to others. And yes, it can still feel selfish to say ‘I choose me’ and that’s okay.  What would change in your life if you chose you?

When we change the world changes.

When we change the world changes.