For as long as I can remember I wanted to make others feel better.
It is easier for me to take on what I feel others are suffering than it is for me to see them suffer. You see, I feel in my body what others are feeling, sometimes what I perceive they are feeling. Because I learned from an early age not to feel emotions, I ignored or stuffed them down, never to be seen or heard from again…or so I thought.
The other part of taking on other’s emotions is that I didn’t feel like I could be happy or do better until everyone that I was ‘helping’ was better. When everyone was ‘better’ then I would give myself permission to live my life. Then, my work would be done, and I would have done a good job and be worthy of love and belonging.
I’ve walked through most of my life with no awareness around the fact that I was taking on things that weren’t mine to take on. That was less painful for me than to see others struggle in the pain over something they didn’t want to bear.
People had no idea that’s what I was doing, any more than I did.
I was super sensitive and didn’t know it. I did everything in my power to stuff that down and not be ‘emotional’. Which really meant not to show my emotions. I thought that there wasn’t another person in the world like me.
At the time I saw that difference as bad. I thought that I was wrong, I just so desperately wanted to fit in. I really was a pretty good chameleon on the outside, but on the inside, I was struggling to make sense of it all.
I now know that this struggle was my soul crying for the connection that I had gradually left behind for many years. It was begging me to look inside for my belonging and connection.
As soon as I turned inward and reignited that connection, I began to see it outside of me. I began to experience connection with people in a way that I hadn’t dare to dream possible.
Connection is everywhere, just as it has always been. As long as I am present and aware, I live in the flow of grace and ease that I was always meant to. I feel a sense of peace and security that I was missing and couldn’t be found outside myself until I felt it inside me.
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